This tragic event got me thinking (seriously, 2 hours extra hours in rural Indiana is tragic), what should the proper protocol be for committing suicide? The following is what I have conceived to be the ground rules one should follow for when they decided they can't take it anymore.
Decorum for Committing Suicide:
First off, be considerate:
We all know suicide is a tremendously selfish act, and that the odds that you would consider the effect of your suicide on the average Joe on the street between slim and none. If you must end it, do it in an out of the way place that will not fuck with hundreds or thousands of people's day. People have plans, don't be a prick and cause them more than a few minutes distraction. Basically, stay out of high traffic areas.
Second, Be spectacular, Be remembered:
Suicide isn't a cry for help, it's a means to THE END. Follow in the footsteps of the greats like Hemingway or the good Dr. Gonzo and suck on the end of a shotgun, or perhaps douse yourself in gasoline and light yourself on fire. No one will forget that. If you go overboard on the sleeping pills, no one is going to respect you. Frankly, you're a pussy and you'll be remembered as such. You'll never forget someone who hangs themselves from a tree on their front lawn.
Third, Murder Suicide is for chumps:
So you embezzled hundreds of thousands from your job, you're mortgaged to your eye balls and don't know how you're going to get out of it so you decide to call it quits. Let me tell you something, your shame is not your kids fault. Leave them out of this. They can live normal lives without you , so let them live a good life despite your jackassery. However, this may not apply if your wife is a gold digger and forced you into it. You can take her with you and spare the next sap from the same fate.
Fourth, suicide bombing does not a martyr make:
Seriously dude, you are not getting 72 virgins on the other side for blowing yourself up in a market of innocent people. In fact, I'm going so far as to say that you won't find another side. You cut your pitiful existence short for absolutely nothing because you did not strike fear into the hearts of your enemy. You just pissed them off. Now more people, who you may be ideologically aligned with, will die and a vicious circle continues.
This sucks, now the lightheartedness of this post is gone. See there, you just pissed me off suicide bombers. You know what this means? Nothing. You will be forgotten tomorrow.
Fifth, Leave a Note:
If you don't leave a note, you are passing on your last and possibly only chance to write comedy gold. Nothing gets me laughing more than some dope pouring his soul out on why he decided to end it. "I can't take the pressure of college. I got a C on my philosophy exam and I can no longer get a good job at Goldman Sachs. There is nothing to live for so I will take my last step from the top of the Library. Goodbye cruel world."
I believe I am going to make this a recurring series here at Consider Suicide because there are so many more things I want to include and they deserve more attention than I can give now. Feel free to suggest things in the comments section.
Let me just say that this is not a endorsement of suicide, but I won't talk you out of it of that's the road you want to take. Let me just leave you with a reason to live:
